USA Email Series 2: Alan-not-alan, Broadway, Sushi and Melons

(First sent 9th June 2009)

Morning peoples.

List of stuff I've actually done to come later, but I've had my first conversation with a New York Taxi driver. Luckily, he drifted from eccentric to mental and back again so many times I wondered if he was going to charge me extra for the mileage.

Basically, since I last wrote I've been hanging out with two Finish guys. We met when I went out to a local comedy club and we sunk a few light ales and failed to laugh at some pretty ropey comedy. Their names are Zack and Alan-not-Alan (Alan-not-Alan has a weird Finish name I can't begin to try to spell, but I'm sure would deliver a triple digit score at scrabble, so I don't bother and will just call him Alan (but remember he's NOT Alan)).

Sorry... digressed a bit there. They're a quality laugh and Zack sounds exactly like Arnie. Alan-not-Alan is an Israeli/Fin but they're both a good laugh and love the beers, so we're having a rare old time. Anyway, on a whim we decided to see a show on Broadway. What could be a more macho night out than three handsome gents strutting off to see a simply wonderful show. We looked camper than a Christmas tree, but I care not because I've been to Broadway, so there. Darlings!

After the show, we decided to get some sushi because I've never had it and I thought 'what could be a more authentic American dish?'. I'd had a 'dirty water' hot dog at lunchtime, so felt that I'd had my fill of mystery meat and needed some fishy treats. It was bloody lovely, and the Wasabi was red hot and delicious. At $3 a pop (not including Sapporo's) it's the best value tucker I've had for ages and it didn't consist of eyeballs and arseholes, which is always a bonus.

After a tasty treat me, Zack and Alan-not-Alan decided to locate a few ales away from the tourists in Times square. Because none of us had a Scooby-do (clue) where the devil we should go, we asked a couple of Taxi drivers and eventually got in with a guy who seemed like he knew the inside of plenty of boozers (which isn't actually the best idea for judging a stranger in charge of your life, but we were young, reckless and feckless) and we were straight in there.

The taxi driver patter started immediately, especially as he noticed my chums accents, and asked where they were from. As is my wont, I chipped in and told him I was English (not friggin British, or from the UK - they need to learn that there are 4 separate countries in Britainland) which was a bit of a mistake - sample dialogue:

McTaximan: You Britain....
Me: I'm from England...
T: I love Newcastle
M: Err, yeah, good night out. ever been there then?
T: Love Newcastle girls.... the melons.
M: ...have you ever....
T: ...the melons. Natural. Not like here. Massive. They fat though.
M: (Now a bit worried I'd got into a taxi with a sex pest, as the fins begin to piss themselves laughing): So you like Newcastle?
T: Love it. LOVE IT. the girls, so lovely, so juicy...
M: So you've been...?
T: The girls, the girls (this goes on for about a fortnight)
M: (eventually). So you liked it there then?
T: Where's that? M: In Newcastle...?
T: I never been. Don't like to travel

The guy might have been mental, or a dangerous person we should monitor closely, but if any of you have friends or family in Newcastle, warn them to escape now while they still have chance as a fruit loving Italian-American taxi driver is stalking you from afar.

OK, here's the science bit...
So far I've:

1. Comedy club - not great comedy, great beer though.
2. Walked the length of central park, nearly got killed by joggers, watched a ball game in the park and Jazz playing hipsters
3. Walked 5th Av, so far resisted Abercrombie.
4. Time square
5. Sushi
6. Crashed a theatre school grad party with the Fins and watched the mayhem unfold. I've never seen such wonderfully acted 'friends'
7. Killed a man
8. Seen a man who wasn't a cop with a gun in his holster. Outside the library.
9. Seen 'spook central' (If I need to explain, you wont care)
10. Hot dog
11. Library
12. Museum of modern art - sculpture park and Jackson Pollocks are highlights)

There's probably other stuff (and 7 might be a lie to check you were paying attention).

OK, that's it - I promise they wont all be this long, but still a bit giddy to be here at all.

Okloveyoubye Rx.

...This is the one that everyone seems to remember, whether it's for the 'Alan-not-Alan' nonsense or the 'juicy melons' chat, I'll never know. But seeing as how this is MY friends that I'm judging here, I assume its the melons. For the record, those guys are called Juval and Sakari and I still keep in touch with them. They bought a car, fixed it up and headed for Miami and there is still a part of me that regretted not buggering off with them and finishing up in New York later in the trip. What can I say? I was young, I was foolish, I was bedazzled with the New York glow.
I feel I should also point out that when I went back to my email sent box to retrieve this email, the spelling and general layout was abysmal. So much so as to make it practically unreadable. The list of things that I did is also pretty amusing: Number 10 = hot dog. Doesn't mention what I actually did with the hot dog. Just 'hot dog'. Informative. I hope they get better than this...