If ever sport needed a feel good story it is now. After a weekend of football matches called off despite playable pitches, weak arguments about ball tampering, African players being shot at and highly payed football club executives apparently receiving charm advice from 14 year olds, sports feels more depressing than imagining Peter Andre's sad sack visage reading the last rights to a starveling stray kitten that had just been hit by Jordan's 4x4.
In situations as dire as this, it feels unusual to be looking to a series of barrel stomached, nicotine fingered, hollow eyed grease traps hurling spikes at a cork disk whilst a hoard of whooping, multi-necks ingest weak lager and show what 'characters' they are by wearing Aldi fancy dress costumes. I'm not describing a channel 5 documentary on the cost of alcoholism to modern Britain. Luckily, what I'm describing is something more.... something pure... something good...
This is darts.
English television and pub sports have a cosy relationship that goes beyond sanity. Imagine Trisha with a scoreboard? Imagine it with sharpened projectiles to hurl. That is the image of darts and yet, from Phil 'The Power' Taylor (resembles Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket if he'd forgotten to take his food out of the fridge before he ate it) to Martin 'Wolfie' Adams (imagine a hedgehog sponsored by H. Samuel) we identify with these unique sportsmen who show the greatest of pinpoint skill whilst looking like they would struggle to walk home from the pub without collapsing into an asthmatic puddle of wheezing.
And it's not just darts. Ever since 84 billion people watched Dennis Taylor wearing upside down spectacles and beating Steve Davis to the world championship about a million years ago, we British have enjoyed an unhealthy relationship with booze based gaming: darts, snooker and now poker are televised events that continue to draw despite the lack of physical activity.
This week sees the weakest of the brands (snooker) begin its Masters series and the BBC will be desperate for the sport to attract the kind of excitement that the darts provided all last week. Unfortunately, the entire success of the tournament, from a commercial perspective, seems to rest on Ronnie O'Sullivan's continued participation. If he goes, expect to see viewing figures dwindle and the fun factor fall through the floor while Hazel Irvine attempts to ignite excitement by introducing links to a VT of John Virgo describing safety play in monotone. This will not do.
Snooker has developed the reputation for high skill mixed with rank tedium. It's gone from Jimmy White, charming like a cockney bookmaker on the fiddle, to a kind of televised chess. It's the only sport that suffers from the skill of it's players. The better they get at blocking out the distractions and finishing on a color, the more the audience turns over to Countdown just for a cheap thrill.
So,without further agadoo, here is the blog's suggestions for bringing a game about very hard balls back to the forefront of sporting excellence - come on... if I'm successful they might make it an Olympic sport. There's got to be three golds in the bag there?
1. Impose a shot time limit.
Snooker takes about a fortnight. When you watch the darts, each throw takes seconds, each hurl of the dart providing that pleasing 'thhhhhuuurrrruuuummmp' noise as the board is penetrated with a fat man's projectile. In snooker, sometimes it takes a full cycle of the moon before the player chalks his cue. Give them ninety seconds per shot. Maximum. Actually, sod that, give them ten seconds each and if they miss the timing, they are electrocuted. This is a 'no mercy' overhauling and there can be no half measures. The sport is the winner.
2. Introduce a set based scoring system
"....and this match is meandering towards its conclusion, as it's 13 - 1 to Ronnie with only 14 frames to win..." Balls to that. Three frames to a set (the winner is first to 2). You can never be so far behind so long as you win the sets. Snooker is a game where everything can change on a single shot, so for gods sake, start exploiting that. Or put electricity in the cues and each player can electrocute their opponent 3 times during the match, to be used any time they choose.
3. Change the colors a bit
I guess the balls have to stay the same colour or everyone would forget what each one is worth (it would be like changing how traffic lights work - cruel, but I suppose it would be potentially entertaining... let's call that a 'work in progress'. Changing the colors of the balls, not changing the colors of traffic lights. That would be as insane as electrocuting sportsmen), but does the table HAVE to be green? What about purple or orange? What about different colours for different tournaments? Puce? Strobe? You could have Paul Smith design them and give everyone watching a migraine, just for giggles.
4. Sack everyone who introduces and commentates on snooker
Snooker commentators are very dull. Hazel Irvine is a boy child in a sweater. Steve Davis is the loose cannon of the group. Surely it hasn't come to this? Either kill them all or let them go mad and say whatever they like. None of this whispering or blithering on like the elderly family member at a wake everyone is desperate to get away from to go to the bar. Let them swear. Let them curse. Surely, cries of: 'cock it, that was fucking brilliant' would be far more exciting than the usual nonsense about angles and safety play. Come on lads, put some effort in or you may die. By electrocution.
5. Remove the dress code
The players look like waiters in an ITV Drama Premier. So I say no more waistcoats. They could have themed tournaments where they are dressed up as Teletubbies or Sesame Street characters. It couldn't be more degrading than going around dressed like James Bonds gay brother.
6. Introduce team based contests
I like the idea of creating Pro-Wrestling style 'tag teams' of snooker players who square off against each other. It could be used as a vehicle for bringing women into the professional game (why aren't there any? Surely this is one sport without any advantage for men?) and have more exhibition matches. When one player is at the table, his partner could 'trash talk' his opponents or psyche them out by tapping the table when a good shot is hit. Rivalries could be settled with the electricity enhanced cues after the bell rings.... sorry... I mean, after the match ends.
7. Liven up the pious crowd
The first way to do that is to encourage noise during the shots. If darts players can hit a double 6 from what is essentially the basement of a noisy pub, then I'm sure snooker players could survive without a quasi-religious atmosphere and the referee snarling at anyone who so much as releases a fart during a shot.
The second way to liven up the crowd is simple. Give. Them. Beer.
8. Extra pockets
There are six pockets on the snooker table. Give them a few more. Sure, the game would be easier, but it would make for much less tedious safety play and higher scoring (and therefore quicker matches), leaving more time for the audience to drink and get over their migraines induced by the table cloth and high levels of electricity in the air.
9. Fewer reds.
I don't know what genius put so many frigging red ones on the table, but come on: They're only worth one point and the part of the game spent dueling over reds goes on for ages. Fewer reds means getting to the business end of a frame quicker and keeping the chuckles high.
10. Extra points for potting colors in certain pockets.
Remember Big Break, the snooker based game show hosted by giggle master and racist Jim Davidson? Course not. But the contestants got extra points for potting balls in special pockets - there was a yellow pocket, a blue pocket, etc. That meant that scores could be more readily beaten by very skilled players. Or perhaps they could introduce a special 'electric pocket' - pot the black in it, and your opponent is cooked like a chicken nugget in a George Foreman (the grill, not inside the actual ham faced boxer)
11. Ban the rest, the extension and any other random tat.
What is it exactly that snooker players are compensating for? Well I say 'no more'. No extenders, no spiders, no other things that you call 'aids' but we call 'cheating'. You don't see a dart player reaching for his extending metal arm to get nearer the board? Well do you? Do you? NO. Have some electricity, you punk.
So, there you have it. The game is saved and entertainment is the winner. Next week: The Arab / Israeli conflict. Shouldn't be too hard.
Byetothemuthafuckinbye. xx
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