Return

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to blog...

Blinking, red eyed, white skinned and looking leaner than a butchers dog after a weekend at a swanky health spa, eating hummus sausages and playing mixed doubles with Cheryl Cole and Lassie, I finally emerge from the dark cavern of my blog-exile and launch into the second phase of the life and times of the reservation.

This is indeed the second phase of my project to bring whimsy, foolhardy rhetoric and misleading opinion to the masses. Actually, when I say masses, I'm referring to you, the tens of people who actually take the time out to read this grim nonsense.

You make me very happy and sad in almost equal measures mainly because I worry that to some people I must be at least as entertaining as stalking ex-girlfriends on Facebin, losing to the computer at chess in 9 seconds and looking for ways to avoid the NSFW tag and avoid detection from the morality police (i.e. your boss at work). I feel the weight of responsibility to match the entertainment value in these wholesome pursuits and spend my nights shivering and wailing that I can't live up to the expectations.

Luckily for me, since my last blog, quite a bit of excitement has been taking place in the wacky world. Oh boy, hasn't it been fun? There's plenty to enjoy out there, like 6 month Chilean potholing expeditions, the George Michael driving school, BP vs. the World and the Pope-aid concert tour. Eventually, I fear that the spending cuts imposed by the gay pin up couple (Cleggover and Camoron) may lead to some actual news being deposited on the telly box, and Natasha Kaplinsky will have to switch her robt face to the matronly 'stern face' setting to report on the 3 day week and public sector walk outs. While it's still the silly season, we can keep ugly things like 'facts', 'debate' and 'information' out of the news, and look at Katy Perry's magnificent swirrling ass instead. Mmmm. Twirrly.

I'm guessing that to some people the visit of the Pope to these shores is significantly newsworthy. In fact, so much time and reverence is being dedicated to Benedictators trip, that the Daily Mail hasn't even mentioned another foreigner on these shores driving down house prices. The BBC has even wheeled out a special 'Pope 2010' graphic to accompany their reports.

You know the BBC are getting serious when they enlist the work experience kid with an A-Level in Fonts, to make some curly graphic appear behind the newsreader, but ultimately making News at 10 look like a low budget PowerPoint presentation by a biscuit company salesman on the quality of Bourbon sales in Scunthorpe. Thus is the power of the Pope. Look upon his wonders and despair.

Well, actually I have despaired a little bit. The trip has been largely a mask of mass public mass delivered with all the mediocrity that attending an open air gig starring Carol Vorderman, Susan Boyle and an old man in a hat could possibly provide. All they needed to do was to add Daniel Bedingfield and Sooty to the bill to make it so boring that members of the congregation start melting each others faces with pilgrim candles just for something to do.

There's a typically British feeling to the way the visit has been staged, lacking the pizazz and balls out, dick swinging largess of an American event, or the class, tradition and reverence of religious events in Europe. We always seem to find a way of giving a large scale event a touch of middle management, patting each other on the back for 'staging this scale of event so very bloody well' whilst the whole thing looks like it's taking place on the main stage of a minor peace festival in the Cotswold's, attended by badminton enthusiasts and sponsored by Muller Rice.

However, underneath all of this, the whole even is stalked by the spectre of the systematic cover up of paedophilia in the church, making the pale white plastic staging look all the more desperate. The mire that the Catholic church has become central to in its role covering up the mess it's responsible for resolving, shows how reluctant mass organisations are to confronting and dealing with their own failures. The head of the Church is seen as God's representative so can't exactly resign, however great the pressure becomes. The scandal is one thing, the cover up quite another. It is always in the cover-up that the true evil becomes exposed, as the people who know but do nothing become as culpable as the monsters perpetrating the crime.

Whatever your views on the church in general, the central idea of faith (be good, treat others as yourself, take responsibility, help the weak) are good values to live by in a socially responsible world. If you want to add having a finger wagged at you by a mythical man in the sky to the mix, then who the devil am I to argue the why's and wherefores. I don't care if you think Noel Edmond's is is judging you from the back of a tortoise made of ham or that we all live inside the anus of Anneka Rice, if you live by the principles of being quite nice to people and not stealing my crisps, then as far as I'm concerned, you're A-OK.

Religion, however, is a very different horse to 'faith'. Religion is hierarchy, corporate responsibility and fund raising. Religion is political, personal, furious and moralistic. It decrees war, outlaws contraception, builds monasteries, desecrates monasteries, chases people down the street, forgets to flush the toilet, gets newsprint in the carpet and hides in places you wouldn't expect then jumps out at you giving you quite the fright. Religion causes as many problems as it solves and as such, like dairylea dunkers and The Pussycat Dolls, the Pope isn't necessarily a good idea.

But, he's here now whatever I think about it, so it's time for him to offer support and offer an ear to the victims of hideous crimes committed by servants to his church. If change comes as a result then this Pope could be seen as a great man, who faced up to and conquered a culture of protection and obstruction. I fear though that all that will come to pass is tedious distraction, pretty fonts and a selection of Pope related merchandise intended to bore us into distraction.

So all that's left to say is a big welcome back to the reservation. Follow me. The alternative isn't too good.

Solongandthanksforallthefish xx