USA Email Series 11: Evaporation, quality films, religion explained and lots of bleedin’ pigs.

(First sent: 22nd August 2009)

Good evening one, good evening all.

I’m writing to you this week from the tenth level of hell. Luckily, Satan has popped out for a PBNJ sandwich between torture sessions and, it’s funny, but whenever he leaves the room the wireless seems to come back up. Actually, I might be being a little melodramatic about the fact that I am on a bus on the way to Santa Monica and the air conditioning has broken down. All around me, pockets of steam intermittently rise up as our little tears immediately evaporate.


It’s a little toasty in here. Perhaps warmer than that. Perhaps it’s warmer than getting into a triple down sleeping bag with a naked Angelina Jolie then the pair of you trying to hop to the nearest 7-Eleven for a coffee, whilst eating a wasabi flavored rocket lolly.

Actually, to say it’s toasty isn’t an understatement so much as the equivalent of me finding the statement, collecting a shovel and burying it twenty miles below ground in a little lead proof box. Then leaving the heating on. In short, I’m a bit warm.

On top of all that I’ve just had to endure a two hour ‘in flight’ movie that I’ve never heard of, but couldn’t ignore because the driver discovered the volume control went up to 11. I knew I was onto a winner as soon as it started when it listed the stars as ‘Nick Moran’ and ‘Tara Reid’. Whatever that dross was, I would suggest that for any film starring any of those two it is wise to give a wider berth than a moped piloted by Stevie Wonder. I think there was a plot, but I’ll be jiggered if I could locate it.

The approach into LA on the way to Santa Monica is dominated by one sight – the Hollywood sign on the hills outside downtown LA. And what a sight it is to behold… well, actually it isn’t. I might be getting a little jaded, but it kind of looked forgotten and windswept out on those hills like an aging street singer who could have been a star, or like the weird bloke I met a karaoke night who claimed to have been the original singer for Motley Cru (no, it didn’t come up, he brought it up. Within 4 minutes of me saying hello) who then proceeded to don a pair of purple round sunglasses before treating us to a terrible rendition of Life on Mars. Once again my weirdo alarm was shaking and sparking like tinfoil in the microwave, but I’ve come to accept my attraction to nutbars and moved on. Go on, you can too. Go on. No, not like that. That’s better.


Yes, the Hollywood sign was looking a little sad, especially as it overlooks some seriously shady looking neighborhoods where even the pest control companies have neon signs. There was also at least three Scientology (the connoisseurs word for ‘bullshit’) churches advertising themselves on the route in. Now, I have several issues with organized religion anyway, but it strikes me that the concept of ‘fishers of men’ might gone a little wrong once you get to the point where a church advertises itself like a diseased hooker on an Amsterdam street corner, wiggling it’s hips and whispering ‘come on in big boy, you’ll never believe the size of my celebrities’ all the while trying to hide the desperation behind the sideways glances.

I know that Scientology is little more than a sparkly drain down which celebrities like to put their folding money, but come on. Whatever happened to good old drink and drugs? At least then their nonsense wouldn’t be forced on the rest of us (we could just become spectators like rubberneckers at a carpet shop fire, or an Amy Whinehouse trial). Listen Cruise, stop dicking about with spaceships and go on a proper bender. If I was married to a woman who looked across between Wednesday Addams and Mr Potato Head then I sure as hell would.

Santa Monica itself is proving to be a likable but somewhat vapid town. It’s well decked out, got it’s Sunday best on, done it’s hair, got lots of nice looking shops and rich looking people swanning
about, trying not to make eye contact with the bums or street vendors, but it is a little… clueless.

I half expect to see wealthy people bouncing off the heavy oncoming traffic as they struggle to comprehend the notion of ‘stop and wait’ and clamber over the bodies of the dead to get a better shot of the Santa Monica Boulevard sign before walking into the closed glass doors of GAP having misunderstood the ‘PULL’ sign.

For my part, I fully intend to spend the next few days chilling on the beach and trying to avoid doing much of anything. This should not be too big a departure, but I’m sure that I’ll find ways to entertain you on next week’s email. I might start my own religion, based on a giant lamb called Alan who lives on the dark side of Mars and will return one day to spread hope, liberty and smite mint sauce everywhere. Alright, so that sounds faintly ridiculous, but still a more reliable faith option than Scientology.

This week, I ‘av been mostly wearin’ a thong… and doing a whole myriad of fun stuff. Why don’t you join me as we take a look back over the last seven days. I said join me. JOIN ME.

1. Visited ‘Beauty Bar’ in the Mission area of SF which is a former beauty parlor turned nightclub. You can still get your nails sorted if you like, and I got an awesome bubble perm.
2. Went to observe as SF turned their very own ‘world’s crookedest street’ into a huge gameboard to celebrate 60 years of the game Candyland (it’s a bit like their Frustration). The kids had to wait ages between goes and looked thoroughly bored by the end, but it looked pretty cool and I was excited to see an Eyewitness News van.
3. Jumped very high to try to get in the shot of the Eyewitness News camera which probably instigated some of the best editing around.
4. Went to some lovely botanical gardens. Looked at the trees. Got a bit bored and wondered off for a paddle in the waters. Realised there was some very expensive looking Carp in there and decided that I had better beat a hasty retreat.
5. Tried to beat some sense into my laptop for auto correcting everything to its Americanised spelling. Might have to reprogram it with a hammer….damn, it’s even trying to do it with ‘Americanised’. Screw you Bill Gatez
6. Secretly wished that instead of Candyland, they had instead made a giant version of Pass the Pigs. I then wondered if imagining a load of snotty kids getting squashed by a giant paper mache pig is really an appropriate thought at eleven o’clock in the morning.
7. Bum sign of the week: ‘I intend to marry Madonna. Need $ for wedding.’
8. Went to the Cartoon Art Museum again to see the new exhibition on Webcomics. Laughed my arse off.
9. Made preparations for stays and travel until the start of September, by which time the hosteling situation will probably calm down and I can be a bit more free and easy with my plans. Most of my moving around is dictated by the cheap beds available, so I’m glad that the busiest month is nearly at an end.
10. What if they made a live action version of pass the pigs? With real pigs. Would that be cruel? Would it be blamed for a new outbreak of swine flu? Mmmm, pork.
11. Hung off the back of a SF trolley like the tourist I am. Enjoyed giving high-fives to the people on the cars going the other way. Got told off for high fiving by the guy pulling the leavers.
12. Corrupted the young by buying my twenty year old roommate a beer from the offie. Seriously, all these kids around. It’s like being in a bloody youth hostel.
13. I mean, all you’d need is a couple of pigs and a trampoline…
14. Saw some seriously good origami dragons, and even an origami Wall-E. Pictures will be uploaded soon.
15. Had a mild heart attack as my camera had a bit of a wobbler and the lens error message kept coming up. She had a lie down and a horlicks and is all better now.
16. …piglets would be better because they are lighter and you could get a really good fling. They’d go for miles.

So that’s me. Next week, Santa Monica ramblings and I might have moved into downtown LA so will be doing more touristy stuff like Universal etc. Might do some stalk as well of some celebs. I wonder if any of them keep pigs…?

Take care, byeloveyoubye. xx

...no idea why all the pig stuff...