USA Email Series 8: Lynching, eyelids, homeland security and fruit flavor bum noises.

(First sent: 28th July 2009)

Greetings,

For Americans, short flights to get around the country are a pretty normal event; unremarkable and tedious. For them, it is as everyday as eating, swearing or lynching. For simple little me though, the prospect of a couple of internal flights to hop from Washington to Atlanta then on to Seattle has been an exciting prospect.

I love flying. I love the queue for check in which, in England, is a 3 hour wait behind some flatulent sleeveless northern couple, resplendent with baseball caps and cigarette orders from elderly family members. Perhaps you’ll encounter a group of, what the Daily Mail describes as, ‘youths’ at the airport bar on their way to Ibiza to make a bold attempt to destroy their livers. Won’t be quite so many chuckles from the group in a month though, when the tests come back from the STD clinic.

I love the anticipation of the flight, I love the food (mmmm, synthetic) I love the whole thing, but here it’s a different beast. Check in is astoundingly brief. No need for my reference numbers, no asking if I packed it myself, no grim faced staring at the passport, just a quick look and an attempt to sell me an increased baggage allowance (no, I don’t have any more bags. Where do you think I’m concealing them? Perhaps in a pouch, like some sort of jet setting marsupial on his way to a koala’s birthday party).

From utter indifference we lurch wildly to bone chilling terror at security. Shoes? REMOVE. Belt? REMOVE. Socks? REMOVE. At one point I thought he was going to check under my eyelids for concealed weapons or subversive texts followed by an extraction of all my bodily secretions to check if, when mixed, they created a lethal cocktail for me to spray around the cockpit. Actually, if the rumors are true then flight attendants spray enough bodily secretions round the cockpits for all of us, but that’s a train of thought best left un-voiced.

Obviously, I’m being flippant, as American’s know only too well the effect of lax or insufficient security at airports, but as much as I was investigated, I also got a sense that they didn’t really care what I was doing, or saying. I was being ignored whilst everything I owned was passed through the x-ray machine. If I was dressed as Ronald McDonald and tapping nails into their foreheads with a mallet, I doubt they would have noticed. It’s a strange kind of vigilance that relies on the machines. Beware: HAL isn’t that far off.

But, who needs security when you’ve got suspicion? Waiting at Washington, we were informed regularly that “the department of homeland security threat level is currently at Orange. Please report suspicious packages and suspicious activity.”

Orange? What does that mean? When driving we all know, orange means “get ready”. Are terrorists sitting in traffic, foot raised high on the clutch, ready to thrust greatness upon me and make me “the hero of flight #159”? Not on my watch sonny. Hey you… you… what are you looking at. Who’s that over there? A child? Perfect hiding place for a nuclear device…. And you... What are you going to your pocket for? Maybe a rocket... You look a bit suntanned. Maybe you’re an Islam. Maybe you all are. Maybe I am. Arrrgghhhhh.

It’s all bollocks of course. I doubt the threat level ever goes below Orange on those reports. If it did they might as well replace the stern voiced announcer with Dick van Dyke, chortling: “it’s all gravy, let’s all ‘ave a giggle, ‘o fancies a sing-song?” which of course won’t happen anytime soon (for the good of my sanity). It’s a real oddity of the modern world that such indifference collides with such suspicion. I bet you’ve reported me for writing this already haven’t you? I was going to report myself, but I couldn’t be bothered.

In more general matters I’ve really enjoyed DC for a variety of reasons, but mainly because the museums here are really superb and mostly free which is my favorite price by some distance. Seeing the classic monuments and sights of such significance (especially my pop culture laden youth) have been a highlight of the trip so far.

Here’s what I did:

1. Sat under the malevolence of Lincoln’s statue and wondered if that beard would come off with a sturdy tug. Actually I like my statues a bit more weather worn (Lincoln is under cover) but it was certainly impressive, until…
2. …you turn around and look down the mall and see the Washington memorial (that big knitting needle behind a huge pond, come on you’ve seen it), which was the most impressive and awe inspiring sight I’d ever seen, until…
3. …I saw some little ducklings on the pond. Ah, look at them, the little ducklings.
4. Saw the declaration of independence. I guess one error made in haste… We’d have them back in the empire if they would just swallow their pride and admit the error. Come on America, make the first move.
5. Signed up to a petition who’s stated aim is to rid the world of war via the medium of eating bread that has been baked in a solar oven. I’d say that is definitely one cause where every signature makes a difference.
6. Came to the realization that signing the petition probably puts me on some kind of threat list. The bedroom anarchist finally steps up to the plate.
7. Attended a true, bona-fide, frat party at Georgetown university. The evening commenced with cribbage and wine then we moved on to discussing the stock market. Nah, we began with a game of “beer pong” in which you 1) throw ball in cup 2) if successful, drink contents of cup 3) repeat until you fall over. It’s similar to chess only without the dumbing down. They had a keg. They had baseball caps on backwards. They had a guy yelling “SHOTS” literally every 20 seconds. They didn’t have me – I scarpered after a few hours when I felt my brain cells rebelling and my subconscious whispering “they’re all in one place. All you need is propane and a match. Do it. Do it NOW”.
8. Took a moment to dip my feet in a lovely pool that I came across after a hard days walking, only to realize it was the World War II memorial. Sorry everyone.
9. Thought one of Calder’s mobiles was going to fall on my head.
10. Watched a chef make noodles.
11. Knocked on for the President. He wasn’t in so I left a note.
12. Was amazed by a German guy who checked in on Wednesday and I didn’t see him out of bed until Sunday. I swear that the guy did not move. I would have checked he was still with us if he wasn’t emitting the loudest snores ever and some “fruity” flavored bum noises.
13. Saw a mixture of beautiful sculpture and pompous installations in one of the modern Smithsonian museums. Fine collection though.
14. Visited the Holocaust memorial which was beautiful, and brought back some memories and thoughts from my visit to the sites years ago. Terrifying beyond the words at my disposal.

Well, I’m wrapping it up for this week, and I hope that there’s enough of you left standing to read this email. Hopefully I don’t return to find that the country is deserted, with only porcine remains littering the streets and pavements.

Take care all and enjoy the week ahead – see you in Seattle.

Byeloveyoubye. xx

...this email marks the first occasion that I really got away from just recounting my day, and began to look closely at some of the more bizarre aspects of American life. For better or worse, from this point onwards, my weekly mails took on a different tone. When I think back, it's probably a good thing that they did. It can get a bit grating to get a message every week from a smug git living it up on the other side of the world. If nothing else, it allowed me to spread my wings and get a bit editorial. Not only that, but it allowed me to vent my embittered spleen...