USA Email Series 25: Beans on Marmite toast, a brew, a five hour bath and a curry‏

(First sent: 5th December 2009)

Hello, good evening and welcome,

So it goes, and so it went. Today's mail will be the final one from me Stateside, with only hours to go before returning to England, to the joys of the world cup draw, to beans on Marmite toast, to beer that doesn't taste faintly of wee, to a week long bath, to food that tastes of anything but sugar, to DVDs and sleeping.... but also to triple the price, to six months of winter only followed by 'the rainy season', a pneumatic drill and ripped up concrete, to 5 channels...

As you can tell, I'm in a bit of a puzzlement about it all really. I miss home very much. I miss England and my family and friends, but equally I'm aware that this was the trip of a lifetime. This was the adventure that I was going to be telling my kids about in years to come, then having to tell it again when they get a bit older and can fully appreciate the joys of taxi drivers asking about 'big melons' and exactly what an 'itwatophone' really is. To have done it at all was incredible, for it to be over is leaving me starring at the walls and puffing out my cheeks like a Texan trying to decipher the instructions for a DVD player. Or trying to decipher anything not written in crayon.

All that is left for me to do is to try and break it all down into segments I can comprehend, such as:

1. Number of miles travelled: I started to work this out a while ago in preparation for this email and it took bloody ages. I hope that there isn't some sort of 'ap' that can be downloaded into your cranial cavity to do this all for you, otherwise a good few hours have been wasted actually doing math(s). As far as I can figure it, I've covered in the region of 23,165.4 miles since leaving Balsall Common. That's approximately a tenth of the distance to the moon. Neil Armstrong would have taken five years to get there if he'd had to use the bloody greyhound.

2. State lines crossed: Lots and it's probably impossible to say once you add in the travel I did by air, but I've stayed the night in at least 12 separate states. I'm thankful that I've crossed many wonderful and beautiful states on my routes. And Texas.

3. National parks visited: A grand total of 4 which isn't that many really, so I feel a bit bad. I might have to come back to this place someday...

4. Beers consumed: This is a ridiculous question really. None. American beer doesn't count, everyone knows that. However, that said, a quick mention of 'Blue Moon' wheat beer. Good stuff.

5. Favorite words invented in previous emails: itwatophone, globalwarmifier and cheapobumojet.

6. Most commonly used phrases in weekly emails : 'Truly', 'like a...' and 'haunted' spring to mind. Truly wonderful words, like a haunted dictionary of fun.

7. First random sight: Cricket being played in flushing meadows New York City. I saw this sight from the back of the shuttle bus within 10 minutes of arriving in the states. Cricket. I ask you.

8. Final random sight:A lady singing show tunes in French by the trolley station, whilst performing a puppet ballet. I would also like to stress that it isn't over until I leave the country, so something might, and probably will, top that.

9. Songs discovered lurking in the backwaters of my ipod during trip: 'King of the Rodeo' by The Kings of Leon, 'Black Swan' by Thom Yorke, 'Forget myself' by Elbow, 'A certain romance' by the Arctic Monkeys, 'One of these days' by Doves and the entire Squeeze back catalogue. Cheers boys.

10. Greyhound buses operated by incompetent drivers: Only one that I can think of, but I have nightmares about how many there actually were who could barely speak that probably just got lucky. In fact the whole of the American road using populace should get special mentions for simply surviving. They're on the phones, drinking, eating hoagies, everything other than watching the road. Even the mirrors have 'OBJECTS IN THIS MIRROR ARE LARGER THAN THEY APPEAR' written on them. How sick is that? A mirror that tricks you? American drivers do well every day they are above ground.

11. Number of cards received from shady blokes in Vegas soliciting on behalf of ropey looking hookers: ....well, of course, I didn't keep any of them so it would be impossible to tell. 54.

12. Most satisfying sandwich experience:This is one of those categories where everyone is a winner, like 'Best Actor' at the Oscars, or 'Least enjoyable film starring Nicholas Cage', but a special mention goes to the fried shrimp Po'boy in New Orleans. Heartattackinducingly good.

13. Most impressive view: Top of the Rock in New York, White Sands in New Mexico, Yosemite in general, or the Pussycat Dolls bar in Vegas? Decisions, decisions...

14. Hostel beds that were totally inadequate for my needs: Surprisingly few, but you'd have to go some to beat the glorified cat box that I was given on my first night in Memphis. At $18 it was overpriced by a good $17.

15. Most expensive single night in hostel: Never be in want of a bed in America in August or you are left with $50 private rooms or the street to choose between. It was a close run thing. A harsh lesson, well learnt.

16. Worst hostel operated by insane Norman Bates lookalike: Let me see if you can guess.

17. Number of Aussies who can out drink me: The real answer is 'all of them' but that is not restricted to countries. It's just everybody in the whole world. Including in utero foetuses.

18. Favorite museum: I should be discussing some po faced seat of learning, like the Smithsonians or MoMA, but it was the Museum of Cartoon art in SF. I'm just a sucker for that stuff and it's so interesting. But on the plus side, due to the many galeries I visited on my travels I can now successfully identify the work of Alexander Calder and have seen Nighthawks and American Gothic in the flesh (in the paint?). But which is better: high art or low art? It's all art with a capital 'F'.

19. Most random museum: The Museum of Death in LA. I have seen the guillotined head of an 18th century rapist. That is not a sentence that I ever thought I would write, but there it is... right above this one. Look at that... ho hum.

20. Days before Converse All Stars finally gave up on me: Ahhhh, my mighty All Stars. Bought in New York on day 3 and they will be on my feet when I land in blighty. Big hole in the bottom and replacement pair already purchased to see me through past Monday, but these pumps have traversed bars and nightclubs, white sands, beaches, toilet floors, dive bars and fancy restaurants. They've seen the sun rise and the stars above. They've been cleaned and have been filthy. Frozen and warm, stinky and new. One day they will be museum pieces. In the worst museum of all time. Next to the Museum of Death that is.

21. Least favorite companion: I've met some great people, some of whom I'll keep in good contact with no matter how far they are away, some I like very much but am unlikely to see again unless coincidence takes over - that is the way of the world. I have been amased at what fun the travelling community is. No ego, no money, no selfishness. But, that said, I do have one thing to say: Daniel, you are an arse. Please. Go. Away.

22. Number of dodgy poems attempted:There's at least four masterpieces under construction, currently very well disguised as absolute tosh. Half a film as well, but I've got high hopes for that one.

23. Overall favorite city visited: Not very fair. Just as Spengler remarked to Venkman; 'It's not the girl Peter, it's the building' so it is true that 'It's not the city, it's the people'. Concrete, glass, bins and bums do not give this place it's charms. It's only the people that I've met. So to New York, Niagara, Buffalo, Chicago, Boston, Washington, Seattle, San Francisco, Yosemite, Santa Monica, Los Angeles, San Diego, Tijuana, Las Vegas, El Paso, San Antonio, Austin, New Orleans, Memphis, Nashville, Denver and all of everywhere in between... I love you. See you again someday.

So that's about it from America. Thank you all for coming with me and keeping me sane over the last six months. I hope your Christmas plans are going well, and I'll see you shortly for the final mail in the series, when it will mostly be over to you for your American adventures. I have been receiving a torrent of literally... some messages, which I will compile after my beans on Marmite toast, a brew, a five hour bath and a curry.

Thanks for listening. Enjoy the film.

Byeloveyouallverymuchseeyousoonforachristmasaleifyoufancyitbye. xxx

...It was indeed odd to have written this mail and the whole idea of not being in America, eating meat between bread for breakfast, sleeping in a bed that didn't seem to be designed for the purpose of hurting me was something I was struggling to cope with. Not only that, but I wrote it this month. By now it all feels like a world away and my feet begin to itch once again. Not for travel you understand, just the athlete's foot kicking in. That pair of converse all star pumps lasted me precisely 181 days and are now sitting in a shoebox at the end of my bed. I'm pretty sure that they have set some kind of endurance record for canvas shoes, but such a category does not exist in the Guinness Book of Records, so their immortality and fortitude is only recorded here...