USA Email Series 5: Tight Buns, geekazoids, overhead trains and ma woman has left me

(First sent: 7th July 2009)

Hello everyone,

I'm coming to the end of my time in Chicago which is a real shame because it's a very nice place indeed. On this trip, I'm continuously surprised that people live in these far off mythical places in USAville. Surely nobody actually lives in Chicago - it's a movie set, or a prohibition documentary or a blues record about a man named Silas who just can't get his woman to love him no mo, not a city where people live and commute.

But, amazingly enough they do, and you know what? For the most part they're lovely. Even the bouncers on the door ask me where I got my mad blue watch from, and people seem generally interested in having a chat. Here's an example: I walk into a bar for a beer and maybe a beef sandwich, if the mood so takes me, and ask "How you doing?" the guy behind the bar not only tells me he's doing fine and we get talking about the Olympic bid in Chicago, various weather conditions and the tightness of Gwen Steffani's behind (it seems to range from 'very taut' to 'nutcrackingly good' depending on the outfit)

Try that in England - you'll probably encounter a response ranging from a surly manlady in Boots grunting in your general direction or a sound bottling and minor kicking in most pubs in the land. The people here seem generally interested in having a chat and a little banter.

(The last two paragraphs have been brought to you by rosetintedgalsses.com)

Unfortunately having seen so much of Chicago, there is one problem - Us. By that, I mean the travellers themselves, because unfortunately I have finally met one that I really couldn't stand and was unable to shake off. This guy is a dude I met here in the Hostel who seemed reasonable enough during the vetting process. By this stage my meeting a new traveller questionnaire has been fully honed - it's like the first days at Uni: "Where are you from? Where are you heading? How long have you been here? How long are you in the US?" - it's a fine art, and each time you go through it, the answers become shorter and closer to the point. Usually, if this is followed up by "fancy a beer" the chat improves and you start really talking.

However, this guy was travelling down from Canada without money or any means to get money other than applying for illegal work. Therefore my 'moocher' radar went bonkers, but the Swiss guy I was with seemed to find him harmless. I don't think it was the mooching that really annoyed me, but the constant stream of inane banter about trying to look at / touch girls. The guy was a borderline date rapist. Example exchange:

Mooch: Sooooo, what are you doing today
Rich: Me? Well I'm off to the institute of art on Michigan Avenue
M: (immediately dismissing this as ludicrous) Nah. Lets go to the beach.
R: What's at the beach?
M: Girls I guess, we can watch them all day.
R: Well, I'm off to the institute.
M: The ART institute???? What's there?
R: Art
M: Art??
R: Art.

... and so on and so forth. I'm aware that this rant makes me look like the biggest geekazoid ever, but this was after a rooftop party the previous night (that I got us into) to celebrate the 4th July. I wanted one day in the museums. Is that too much to ask? Does that make me sad? It does? Oh, sorry.

Well anyway, after Nighthawks and American Gothic in the institute, I enjoyed a fine slice of pizza and some live blues on Diversey St. So who's the geek now??? You are.

This has been followed up with several attempts to persuade me to fritter my time away sitting in various parks / beaches / police cells just so this guy has something to do. Fully jettisoned him the minute the opportunity arrived.

It's not that I hate him. It's that I really hate him. The opportunity to push rusty cutlery into his kidneys would not be wasted.... you get the picture.

So anyway, apart from all that giddiness, I've actually been up to quite a bit, so here's a little list:

1. Blues. So much blues. I got blues in the morning, when I get out of bed. I got blues in the evening, runnin' through my head. Since you left me, the blues is all I got. Since you left me and my dog got shot....
2. Watching the overhead trams and imagining scenes from Batman Begins
3. Saw 'Whatever Works.' It's pretty good.
4. Hung out at the 'Earwax Bar' which hosts 'Minature Animals' - no me neither.
5. Eaten a huge pizza pie.
6. Felt a bit sick
7. Had to take remaining slices of pizza pie back to the hostel with me
8. Watched 4th July fireworks (on the 3rd - they do that here) looking over the city. Thought I was in a movie and aliens were about to land
9. Watched alien landing and negotiated the release of the president
10. Argued with a bum about what constituted a reasonable amount of change to put in his cup. It seems beggars can be choosers.
11. Institute of contemporary art. Learnt about the influence of quantum physics on the architecture of Buckminster Fuller. If you're really unlucky I'll tell you all about it.
12. Confused myself silly on the brown line trams
13. Eaten Thai curry that was hotter than the sun.
14. Went up the Hancock tower for the views over Chi town.
15. Eaten a large butty in Millennium Park watching people play in the public art fountain. Lovely.
16. Went to 1060 West Addison, the registered home of Elwood Blues which also doubles as the home of the Chicago Cubs, the worst team in the NBA (or something)

Ok, well, this weeks email has been a bit ranty I guess, but You keep me sane, so unfortunately you have no choice but to deal with it.

Hope all is brillopants with you all back home and let me know if you have any news or exciting events coming up. I'll be happy to publicise them in Boston.

Take care everyone, byeloveyoubye. x

..God, I still hate that guy...