USA Email Series 23: Cobwebs, hairlines, limbs and a giant bear.‏

(First sent: 22 November 2009)

Hey there,

As we all know and are painfully aware, life is a series of crushing defeats followed by the really terrible parts. Normally, our everyday routine is about as much fun as slipping on wet bathroom tiles and smashing ones jaw against the side of the bath. Oh, the rapture of waiting for trains in damp morning air only to arrive at cold and damp offices to be surrounded by ox faced, cobweb haired, bin bag eyed cretins, eager as puppies to discuss the thrilling X-factor results or to quote endless episodes of Gavin and Stacy towards us as we secretly consider if smashing our own forehead repeatedly against a computer screen would restore the ever decreasing sensations in our numb and passive brain. You know, an absolute bleedin' hoot.

But in amongst all this tooth grinding monotony, we still search for those silent moments of tranquillity and beauty that can remind us that it really is all worth it, even if the happiness is only a fleeting distraction from pushing handfuls of broken glass into our own eyes. We search, but rarely find, such moments in our lives and instead reduce our own expectations and over the years become content to settle for a nice bottle of wine, a warm fire, a cigarette or a pipe full of crystal meth (each to their own).

When I was very little, I remember that no number of Transformanintendo games or G.I. Bin Laden action figures could be half as exciting as looking down onto my blue school jumper and seeing a ladybird had landed on it. The hours spent chasing it around, trying to get it on the end of my finger, then watching it walk over my hand are hours I will never have again. Nowadays, I'd be just as likely to curse the insect invader and flick the thing off me before returning to a po-faced conversation about the state of the American health care system. Like a twat.

But even as my expectations of satisfaction recede like my hairline, I find myself in gawping awe when a moment of real happiness comes along. So infrequently does it happen, that I go in search of it, to the far flung corners of Ameicaville and to the heart of some of the great places on Earth. And Texas.

But man made structures are not enough. After a while I get comfortable and complacent even in this environment, of non-stop fun and am left wide eyed and ashen faced looking for my new sense of purpose. Where oh where could it be? Beer? Well maybe (let us not write off beer as a solution just yet. Let's leave it in the 'maybe' pile).

But you've gotta get out there man! Change your scene, dudealicious. Half of the point of this whole trip was to encourage me to throw of my cynicism and regain the sense of awe that is so refreshing (and by 'awe' I don't mean cooing over the speed of a friends wireless connection or a new town centre roundabout). Being able to experience the greatest cities on earth has given me that sense, and now this week, I've been experiencing how the great Rocky Mountains can give you not only a new lease of life as well as a new definition of the word 'cold'.

It's safe to say that not only did I refresh myself mentally for the home straight of the journey, but I also nearly lost the tips of all my limbs and extremities to the cold, which would be a terrible shame especially for my.... use of the ATM (no, I am not going to go into THAT area in this email you sick puppies).

Lucky for you, I'm not going to go into gushing thrall over the mountain range itself (you can guess), I'll save that for when I get back and bore you all to tears until you feel the need to nail my tongue to a bit of rock and throw it off the nearest bridge.

However, I know I'm raising the big questions here (chortle), but I think that it's probably worth all the muck and gravel and neon strip lights, if it encourages us to go outside at least once a decade and, when we finally do get out of our comfortable hovels, to have fun reminding ourselves how small we really are and to bloody well enjoy ourselves.

Although it's true that surely no sane person would live out in the woods or the hills permanently, mainly because most of modern life is much better than the alternative ("sure, please take my central heating, socks and interweb away from me. I'd love to have wooden teeth, no personal hygiene and to kill squirrels for sandwich meat. Yes indeedy do") we remain lucky to at least have the opportunity to stand in front of a ruddy great mountain occasionally and whisper 'holy shit'. Even if it is to a seven year old, leading to an 'altercation' with an enraged parent. Tender moments like that. It's what it's all about.

Well I hope that I didn't sound too much like some terrible 80's band, clenching their fists and buttocks while singing a song about seizing the moment or making it happen: 'You've got to reach up high, And then maybe go outside, You can have it all, Now touch my behind...'. (Hit written all over it) but I hope you got some sense of what a few hills and a bit of scenery can do.

And so it brings me, armpits sweating with excitement to a brand new feature of this weeks emails. It might look and sound like the usual round up of guff and happenings from my USAdventures, but I can assure you it's the all new: ROUNDUPATHON!!!

1. Arrived in Denver, walked 15 minutes in the right direction the hostel, then got cold feet and hurried 2 miles in the wrong direction. Called a bloody cab after face went numb.
2. Overcame vertigo to traverse the highest suspension bridge on the bloody planet. Kiss my face.
3. My 2 day journey to get up here included a layover in Chicago. It felt like visiting an old friend... that had become cold and grey and vengeful. Come on Chicago - all year summer please.
4. Heard two locals re-enacting the whole of 'There will be blood' just for kicks.
5. Watched a band that had been assembled that day (from an ad on the Internet) fully kick arse. Sounded great.
6. Liked Denver free shuttle bus very much.
7. Finally caved in and had a shave. I'm a traitor. The hair stays though.
8. Got my cold weather gear from the bottom of my pack at last. Thank the lord I bought that base layer.
9. Denver has a lot of public art, especially around the museums, but it's on a massive scale, so it really works well. My favourite is the giant bear looking into the convention centre.
10. Found my flight info to get me home. Goody gumdrops.
11. This hostel is a dump: nothing works, one shower, holes in the walls..... but it's $18 so who cares?

Well, I see your eyelids drooping and your heads getting heavy, so for now I say 'goodnight'. One last thing, my final email is approaching so anyone with any other stories to share with the group, even if they are short, borderline vulgar, or legitimate terrorist threats, please get them to me. It couldn't be easier. I wont even know if they're apocryphal, so get moving so I can put it together when I get back and wind up this series with your compiled bile.

Take care my lovelies - and see you soon.

Byeloveyoubye. xx

...of course, no one sent me anything else to add to the final mail of the series. Probably because they couldn't even understand that that was what I was asking for. Why be direct, when you can be as obscure as a guff in a wind tunnel?...