USA Email Series 3: The four pillars, man hands and Alan-not-alan-not-here

(First sent 14th June 2009)

Afternoon campers,

Greetings from stateside. Just to let you smug people know that the weather here is absolutely terrible. Not raining, but very muggy and the heat in the subway is godawful. Not that that stops me riding it at 3am after visiting New York's oldest nightclub. Oh no.

There's a misconception that the city is home to all manner of evils that simply cannot be avoided unless one has access to a sniper rifle and their own personal Robo-cop. It isn't true. If an idiothole like me can go a week without once falling foul of the evils of the city, then any tin pot Muppet can get by.

Last week I was telling you of an exchange between me and a taxi driver who had a love of the mountainous North-East. This week, I'll share my musings on some other randoms that have lubricated the way.

After a particularly interesting bar crawl that was organised by the hostel, I was feeling somewhat rosy-cheeked. It's amazing that I was even vaguely drunk because the beer here is so weak you could probably give it to pre-schoolers as a thin broth. It's got fewer calories than the bread. But, despite this we indulged in a large glass of beer and felt generally 'swell'.

The team has changed somewhat as Zack and Alan-not-Alan have left for Miami and abandoned me. They have been replaced by two English guys (who I don't think have ever been out of the home counties apart from on the occasional 'beggar-bait') called Matt and Andy, a dutch guy called Martin and two lady folk from Kansas who are heading upstate to be counselors at a camp where parents send their hated offspring for the entire summer over here.

After the 4th establishment, the bar crawl sprawled onto the street and the chat became somewhat racy. The Americans in the group were trying to encourage some 'chugging' which I hope wasn't some sort of prison slang, otherwise I'm bang in trouble out here. At this point we started to attract the attention of local hobos looking for a buck or two.

The difference out here is the beggars all have a secret 'hook'. Now the guy in Time Square who was literally getting off with a shoe was odd, but this bunch was like frigging Village of the Damned, or something.

First comes a guy I like to call 'Captain no-legs' on account of his large beard... Not really. It's because he didn't have so much as a stump at the end of his torso. His opening gambit was to tell me that he has knowledge of the 4 pillars of wisdom that will enable a man to keep / please a woman.

Now, I'm a natural cynic, but frankly, I was a bit offended that he felt I alone in the group required this advice, coming as it did, from a man who appeared to make it his sole daily task to avoid murdering anyone. However, I was interested and coughed up my buck. What followed was a solid hour of instructions, including such gems as "don't tell lies, brush your teeth (or tooth, depending on their frequency) and avoid plunging cutlery into her kidneys" - I made that last one up, but I could see into his soul.

After a quick rum, the 'Captain' was replaced by 'Nancy' who was a lady of the third leg variety.... she had big hands.... she was not all she seemed - actually she was exactly what she seemed: a massive, ugly man in a Ronald McDonald wig and a cocktail dress (less focus on the -tail, but certainly on the... never mind). Her shtick was the recital of 'Private Dancer' by Tina Turner in what was essentially the voice of Geoff Capes with a bit of a lisp, which apparently made it feminine. Needless to say it's the most accurate impression I've ever heard of Tina Turner from a talented person slightly better looking than Susan Boyle.

In closing, some of you are aware of the 'Colombians' who I have mentioned on Facebook. I think I've gone on too long, so will leave them until another time. However, it was the single most creepy / funny parts of my life so far. If you want to know more, tune in next time...

THINGS I'VE DONE:

1. Museum of modern art
2. Staten Island Ferry and nearly done a wee when I saw lady liberty
3. TOP O THE ROCK - Cheers Cathy. It's pretty much the best views of the city, and empire state. Pics to follow.
4. Wandered the streets with a gang of hungover pub crawlers
5. Abercrombie - It's like walking into a sweet smelling hell, populated with perma-smile employees who are far too busy jigging about and being cool to actually have any value whatsoever. Nice jeans though.
6. Saw street dancers. Like the Tasmanian devil doing break beats.
7. Eaten burritos, sandwiches and a live hawk
8. Natural History museum - excellent meteorites, rubbish waxworks.
9. Ridden the subway at 4am - don't tell mum.
10. Bought a laptop.
11. Had a day spending no money whatsoever
12. Subway surfing - no hands on the rails, that's for sissies!

OK, that's it for now. Perhaps I'll think of something else this week. Let me know of any events back home y'all.

Byeloveyoubye xx

...I think this is my favorite mail, purely because it brings back so many funny memories of a corking night on the town. I definitely missed a trick not taking 'Tina' home...