USA Email Series 19: Radio silence, bits of wood, clockwork teens and my return date confirmed

(First sent: 29th October 2009)

Ahoy there, landlubbers

...and then there was: AUSTIN.

As you can probably tell from my radio silence over the last week, I have been assaulted by Austin like a newborn fawn that has just escaped from the womb just in time to be confronted by a dirty great hunter ready to pop the top off my mum's head with his shotgun like a one eyed hobo opening a coke bottle with his eye socket.

I haven't visited Austin, so much as been attacked by it but some great friends and great times have been had along the way. There have also been a reasonable proportion of outrageously grating, squawking, cretins typical of the sort who have illuminated my path throughout this country with their great bumwads of "insight" and "wit". However, this week I will make some attempt to focus on the positive side of things stateside, while only briefly zipping up the comforting sleeping bag of my rage and fury and wondering if humanity has only managed to stave off a man made apocalypse on purpose, to ensure I remain at fever pitch.

The town of Austin itself is a curious mix of influences that can, most obviously, be seen in Mexican inspired architecture and food and the Texan micro-breweries, sports and curb-knawingly dense locals. But, there is a cross cultural, as well as ethnic, divide which isn't only seen in the strained relationship between Texans and their Mexican roots but, as this is a University town, between Texans and the growing populace of intelligent and diverse people coming to the city and getting everybody spooked.

This growing city is developing as one of the cultural hubs of the US (much like Seattle was in the 1990's) meaning the "vibe" of the place can feel more like California than Texas at times (I'd like to point out here that, usually, anyone using the word "vibe" I would advocate being placed in a bath filled with wet concrete under a selection of heavy scaffolding while I loosen the nuts and bolts, but I make an exception because a) you all know what I bloody well mean, and b) I couldn't care less. Ahhhh, I feel the comforting arm of hypocrisy around my shoulders).

So in exploring the town, I have been joined by a squad of people who, between us, managed to pretty much take over the entire hostel and certainly add something different to the cultural melee of Austin. Well...only if sitting on your arse all day like flaky high school drop outs whilst secretly wishing the guy with the guitar would like their weapon of rock forcibly inserting up his rectum.

Why is it that every gathering of twenty something's now must include some trilby hatted, crooning mannequin, awaiting others to confirm their depth of musical understanding and commenting that any miscellaneous band are 'awesome, but I prefer their early stuff'. Presumably everyone else in the world finds this mildly less irritating than having their spine shattered with a bit of old wood, but not bloody me matey.

So we passed the time by enjoying the hostel's wonderful setting on the edge of the river, talking crap and telling jokes, whilst the evening was spend exploring the varied live music on offer in the town centre. That and crashing sorority parties hosted by over privileged, dancing clockwork teens in outfits tighter than what is medically acceptable for allowing productive bowel movements.

Unfortunately, these college imbeciles provided less intelligent conversation than a sandworm, but for some reason, their toothy grinned, embattled optimism was actually enjoyable if only to watch as, one by one, they fell on their own swords and passed out in pools of various bodily fluids whilst still humming Jay-Z tunes that must play on a constant loop though their 2-D minds. You have to admire people who use the word 'party' as a verb then are destroyed by eleven.

I find that pattern repeated more and more frequently throughout my travels in the US - people get ready, get perfumed and booted and then flake out by twelve, only to proclaim how 'wild' they are. If going 'wild' is to be running around, head butting concrete beams, pissing in the street and hollering like wolves at the moon, then, by jingo, wild I am not or ever want to be.

It was impossible not to have fun there, meeting as I did, several lovely people who took me under their wing, ensured I was fed and watered and generally having fun. We bonded and, despite our differences in background, experience, taste and ability to cook gumbo, we formed a tight band. Unfortunately, I'm sure that as we grew into a squad of about twelve people, we probably alienated other hostel dwellers. I would probably be announcing the unrelenting imbeciles who took over the hostel, if I were on the outside looking in. But I wasn't, and history is always written by the winners. Apart from Iraqi history, no doubt.

And, lo, the east wind did blow and it was time to leave for New Orleans. So far, the 'Big Easy' (not Ulrika Johnson - it's a real place! Can you imagine that! - exclamation mark used for purposes of sarcasm) has not revealed its charms to me in full, but I suspect that much like the downtown 'Hustler' bar, it wont take too much coaxing.

Well, I have had some busy times and am delighted to unveil their wares for you now, in the section of the mail I like to refer to as 'The Roundup'. Now, I'm aware that this would be a pretty oblique title for it, so I also refer to it as 'padding'. Which one is best? Neither, clearly, so I might end up calling it Susan and having done.

Goddamn email. Millstone around my neck. It's all your fault....

1. Really enjoyed the Viva la Vida festival in the centre of Austin. We were driven there by a very camp man, who did nothing to repel the stereotypes by confirming he was a masseuse. No 'extras' available (but I'm sure he has his price) despite the implied debt a free lift implies. The festival was a precursor for the 'Day of the Dead' so was defined by wonderful Mexican artwork, dancing, skeleton costumes and beautiful, red hot, foodstuffs.
2. Went to see Ghostbusters at the cinema. I say again. I went to see Ghostbusters at the cinema. Doesn't. Get. Any. Better.
3. ...or so I thought. It was in a movie theatre that sold beer, food and encouraged you to 'Quote-a-long' to the best lines in the movie. I swear, if I had wanted to, the whole thing would have been reeled off my tongue. Thankfully for everybody's sanity, I refrained.
4. Watched the largest colony of bats in North America head out at dusk from under a massive bridge in town. Impressive, but dusk once again foiled my attempts to take decent pictures. I swear, when the ozone layer finally collapses from excessive pollution, at least the extra light will make for an extensively recorded apocalypse.
5. Played 'shuffleboard' which is not some kind of homosexual prison slang, but a game similar to bowls in rules, but played on a board that is similar to a small bowling alley. Good fun, but entirely pointless.
6. Acquired a travelling buddy for the trip to New Orleans, which would have been fun, were it not for the awfulness of Greyhound journeys. I think I was about 20 minutes from losing the will to live. In fact, I'm pretty sure my brain has an 'auto destruct' as I swear I could hear ticking and 'abandon ship' warnings coming from inside my brain.
7. Declined the invitation to crash a frat party, only to be told later that the party contained real livestock as part of it's 'Cowboy' theme. Trying to release the frightened beasts from their over privileged, idiothole, captors might have been the highlight of the trip.
8. Received several complements from old school cowboys on my tan leather jacket. It will be burnt upon return for exactly that reason. Although it could be that my resemblance to cattle simply stirred the Texan into romantic thoughts.
9. Visited the woods. Not sure I ever came out.
10. Watched the parade at 'Viva la Vida' only to be pelted with hard boiled sugar sweets by little children dressed as skeletons. A whole new realm of bizarre.
11. Wished my big sister a happy birthday.
12. Made laundry my priority, only to fail at every turn.
13. Managed to FedEx some stuff home. My pack has gone from 'bigger than Jesus' to the weight of a starveling kitten.
14. Started a new book, only to be fairly embarrassed every time i whip out 'Lolita' on the bus. I don't want to be on the business end of a Texans ire for thinking I'm a 'petterass'
15. Was impressed by the lad who chose to sleep on the jetty rather than pay for another night in the hostel. I need to 'man up' and get into the wild.

So that be your lot for now guys. Thanks for the steady stream of American based musings from you all. They range from 'amusing' to 'funny' then all the way back to 'bloody brilliant'. Any of you, for whom your messages fall into the latter category might well find your tales reproduced in these mails as my own work. Because I Bcc you all in, you can complain, but frankly you might as well try to repel a hurricane by shouting at it. No-one will ever know.

See you next time. Don't have nightmares.

Byeloveyoubye xx

...I really loved Austin and was sorry to leave. Although my thoughts on New Orleans will be in the next mail, Austin was a better time for me. I made a group with some other travellers and we got each other through the day by waking each other up, deciding who's turn it was to cook and get beers. Then we'd crash on the lawn while we decided what to do that day. It was a good time and hopefully I'll be able to keep in touch with them all...