USA Email Series 15: Blowtorches, soup, bumfights and‏ Eurovision

(First sent: 27th September 2009)

Morning y'all.

Rise and shine campers, go get your booties, because it's COLD out there today.... Well actually it isn't. There's a rumour amongst the locals that it's going to crack 100 again next week in the San Diego area, but I trust rumours less than I trust a gang of hoodies with a blowtorch but, it's truly a beautiful month to be in America, especially California.

Even Americans from northern states are checking into the hostel to try to chase the summer as it drifts ever southwards, and they can be seen looking around with envious smiles at the tans and beach outfits as they contemplate returning to a winter of corn dogs, bad sport and walking around malls like rats escaping a nuclear apocalypse.

Still, despite the good weather, tasty nachos and questionable bleached mullets, there is still time for a sprig of misery amongst the fun, like a turd in the vichyssoise. That bum nugget is, of course, me:

Ever wanted to fear for your life? Ever wanted to be seen huddling like condemned cattle awaiting the bolt gun, under a shady awning that looks like it's been constructed from Meccano by a one armed child in an electrical storm? Ever wanted to talk to grey faced kiosk servers, dishing out tickets for the bumfight with the sort of air of misery reserved for sick ponies touring a Bostik factory? Then come to the funfair on Mission Beach. I promise you'll have a god awful time.

It runs under the tag line "It's so much fun, you'll never need more", which is true. You'll never want more if this is fun. If this is fun, then jabbing your fingers into a working toaster is an absolute hoot, that'll have you giggling and chuckling at the smell of your own burning flesh.

To start with, it has a sort of depressing commercialism that is seen world over - from here to Blackpool the small, struggling seaside resorts compete for the last pound/dollar which has been wrestled away from the small, independent, amusements of years gone by, to the malls, multiplexes and X-Cox games machines, that modern 'youths' enjoy. In fact, this isn't the only problem. Nostalgia is grand, but in reality, time has passed by for these types of resort and they have been replaced, naturally, by bigger, better things. It's entertainment evolution. There was a time when people gathered round the radio to be scared to death by Orson Welles telling us about the impending Alien apocalypse. Nowadays we all gather round the TV to watch Britain's Got Talent - Jesus, what mugs we all are.

Most of the fun fair is the expected tat - buy a hat, buy a hot dog, buy a trip on the Deathatron, buy, buy, buy, buy, pleasegodbecausetheleaseisup buy. What I love to see is the truly random stuff - we're on a beach, so I'd expect 'surfing' rides, or tilt-a-whirls called things like 'tropical thunder', but to see the dodgems re branded as 'Beach cruisers' is taking it a bit too far, and as for the toilets being re branded as the 'Surf Shack', words failed me.

But the icing on the cake was the dull eyed optimism of the staff, who believe that they can entice you with cheery, impersonal banter. I can imagine them, grin fixed firmly in place, as they turn you upside down and shake every last cent from your pockets. As your eyeballs turn red, they will whisper coldly "Thanks, and how are you today?" Chilling.

Actually, my lack of kindness for what are really just old carnies trying to make the odd buck to stay off the streets, is probably down to the lack of sleep I've had, due to every frigging Aussie in the hostel being up until past 4am last night to watch the final of the Aussie Rules Football, hollering and whooping like a stag party at all you can eat rib night in Hooters. I thought NFL was a stupid sport, but AFL is beyond stupid. Kick a ball high. Fight over it. The last man with an intact spine or retention of control over his bowel movements is the winner. The end.

That said, next weeks email will in fact bring highlights of the NFL, as tomorrow I'm off to see the San Diego Chargers take on the Miami Dolphins, only on ESPN!!!!

So, what about this week, I hear you (not) crying? What indeed. Wanna find out what I've been up to? Do you? Do you? Well tell me if you do.

1. Got a trifle burned on Pacific beach. You know, it's a tough life. I hope it's bloody freezing back in England. Sorry, but I do. Ha.
2. Found an entire basket of dirty washing just left in someones room. They had checked out, they just didn't want it. Lazy bastards.
3. Went to Coronado to look round the hotel from Some Like It Hot. Some interesting pictures of Marilyn and the boys, but I failed to get there in time for the tour. Nobody's perfect.
4. Came down to get my bagels for breakfast, only to notice a small hole chewed into the side of the packet, and some of the bagel missing in chunks. Doesn't take a genius to identify the calling card of Mr Rat. Sir Norman (as he has been called) now spends his evenings as a star of CCTV, as the boys on the night shift call out to each other when they can see movement on the night vision camera and then run into the kitchen with a broom in hand ready to send Norm to the great hostel in the sky. So far he has proven to be elusive - further updates to follow.
5. Was given some very interesting Russian lessons. Failed to recall anything - doesn't bode well for my career.
6. Took a group to the Hookah bar for some Eastern European flavoured tobacco and some Eastern European dance music as well. It was like the frigging Eurovision Song Contest semi-finals in there.
7. Watched many people check out, but not too many check in. I fear that the slow season is upon us.
8. Despite that, last night four English guys checked in and immediately came to the bar and did a shot of whiskey, vodka, tequila then moonshine in a row. The results were amusing as they took turns to dry heave into the bin.
9. Then I regretted serving them, as I realised I was on trash duty.
10. Realised that the manager of 'Tequila 100' bar down the road knows my name, and beer is free to me when I take a one of the hostel tours there - this could spell DANGER
11. Very much missed my friends and family back home. Sad, but true.
12. Perfected the art of simultaneous pancake and coffee making. Yesssss.
13. Received $20 from the management for getting a glowing mention in a mail from a guest. Unfortunately, she then read the mail to the whole staff, revealing that my mention was to do with how much I was 'sweating' whilst cleaning the showers. Nothing like a week of being known for 'sweating for money' and being the 'sweatiest cleaner in town' to raise a chuckle. Everyone's a comedian.

So that's it young sonny Jim fella me lad, pal from the briny. Everything is good and the weather remains as it was. Living in CALIFORNIA remains ace. Any of you with a spare $200 can come for a visit if you want. I'm diary, to your pencil - why don't you fill me in? WHY?

Take care all, let me know how life is.

Byeloveyoubye. xx

...The more angry I get, the more this indicated life was treating me well. This funfair was not incredible, but it probably didn't warrant quite this much fury. If anybody was getting the impression I wasn't having a good time, then they would need to suspend disbelief for a bit and enjoy the show. I really was reaching more desperately for targets though and should probably have dedicated a bit more time to letting my friends and family know I was OK. Still... Good fun. By the way, the rat was never harmed...